When I'm Confused...

I drift away, slowly. To somewhere, quiet. Strange, I hear lullaby, softly in the background; and still it’s quiet. I don’t over-think it and just drift along. Images flash across. Like tiny snippets of a long movie. I see flashes of light and in them diverse images. And I catch few of ‘em. Me, is that me? Before I could recognize or rethink, another image materializes. I just drift along. Where to? I don’t know and I don’t want to. Not yet. I’m high. I’m beyond the mere worldly touches. I’m above and over myself.

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Aw, stop right there! You’re not encountering a high-experience of some random high-person, I assure you. Stay with me!

JERK. SNAP. My eyes fly open and I realize foggily that I’m in the bus, on my way back home. Now, “revelations of greatest mysteries are found at the normal-est of moments”. And that was my moment of one such revelation. (No, not the formula for hybrid-nuclear-bomb!)

Everything came to sharp focus and there was new light to everything that I saw, then. (Well, I first confirmed that I haven’t crossed my stop, yes!)

And as I held, just one question stayed burning in my mind, so bright and red-hot. “Why?”

Let me break it down. We eat. We sleep. We do-something, meanwhile. And, repeat! Well, why? Why should we bother, waking up, at all? Why all this mess and crap, along the way? Have you asked this to yourself, ever? Well, welcome aboard!

Disclaimer : I’m not gonna answer your “Whys” and neither mine, here. But, let me give you that trigger as to, “Why not?!”

It’s actually simple. But god, I’ve been drowning in this surreal situation, where reality felt like hallucinations and I don’t know what is real anymore.

It all started with that day. “Automation is killing jobs. You got to prove yourself and sell yourself in the job market. As you get out of this campus, no one’s going to call and offer you a chance!” And with that the mad chase began. I didn’t know what I’ve been doing or more importantly, why. Company after company; tests after tests; trainings after trainings; I still couldn’t sell my talent, prove it hard, anywhere.

“It’s all for the brainy people. I’m not worthy of it”, I started to resign at one point. And in one such hallucinating moment when I was sitting in the front row of Java-training-class, I wrote this:

Is getting confused, totally wrong?

You always gotta know what you want?

In the face of distant song and a gong,

Is that wrong o’ me to fall apart?

I don’t want to know,

But is there a need, for me to?

Never larger and never ever smaller,

All I want to do is, keep my head straighter!

To get confused…

Is that a sin out o’ the hell?

I gotta be guilty out o’ my mind?

Confusions! O, where would I dwell, then?

I can’t possibly be going behind!

IN SEARCH OF WHAT I THINK THAT'S LOST!

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Now, you know! I was damn confused as to what the hell that I should be doing. And I found my answer in those flashes (from my high-moment).

Butterfly Effect: A change as small as a flutter of a butterfly’s wing can cause as strong an impact as a striking tornado. And you and I could be as that unrecognized flutter. As long as we keep fluttering, it’s gonna change everything.

At last, the karuthu? There's that thing, which could define and re-define you. Seek it out, and ye shall find! And drive harder to it! Full throttle and no speed breakers!

Note from the Author: It’s not a motivational-success-story. I’ve been in this living-dreamy state for the past few months. Now, at last I figured that it’s over-emphasizing the actual thing. I thought few (if not, all) of you are in the same state. Basically, I wanted to vent out all of those confusions out of my system. This is my way! So, punch in your comments below. I would love to know your thoughts!

Confucius,

-Sp-